The Truth Will Set Me Free

(Yes, I know "Luka" is an old song - but its potency remains, even after decades. And it's so very relevant for me, and other survivors of CSA or PA, or especially those of us who endured the potpourri of CSA, PA, EA, PSA, and every damn other "A" that was possible in childhood...)

WARNING: This blog is written by an adult survivor of severe childhood abuse. While specific graphic details are not offered, it is entirely possible that this material may be uncomfortable for some readers. If you have any doubt as to whether this may “trigger” you or make you feel unsafe in any way, please STOP reading and click elsewhere. If, while reading this or at any other time, you find yourself feeling unsafe or contemplating hurting yourself, please IMMEDIATELY contact a crisis line or mental health professional. Please – be safe, and be well.

If you or anyone you know is having a crisis and feeling alone or potentially unsafe, please consider using one of these resources. You'll notice there are organizations around the globe, including LGBT-targeted groups like PFLAG, and groups for survivors of different kinds of violence.

Here's a link to a list of resources.

Please know that I care, and many people in your life care. It's a sign of true strength to reach out if you're hurting; people want to offer their support. You are NOT alone.


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I've been approaching this point, a place of crossroads in my life. I'm faced with a very well-delineated choice about speaking my whole truth, and refusing to be silenced on the most powerful, potentially controversial and even (perhaps) dangerous truth of my situation. Not dangerous to anyone else, mind you, but dangerous for myself.

The idea of speaking this truth publicly scares me so badly that I can barely breathe... And yet I know that until and unless I make that choice, based in courage and free will, my strength will be compromised. I will otherwise spend the rest of my life struggling to contain an explosive truth, one that it's taken everything to contain - at any cost - up to now.

Additionally, I've come to the realization that the resources I've used for decades to contain this information are no longer adequate for the task. Full containment is no longer possible. Thus, I can voluntarily choose to speak my truth, and perhaps help others in the process, or I can wait for the inevitable scenario in which it comes to light in a way for which I'm ill prepared. Clearly, the former choice has merits over the latter.

And so, the decision has been made, and a foundation has been created for the revelation of this truth. Monday, October 9, 2009, you can check either my Twitter page or this blog page for a link to a resource that will illuminate this murky mystery. A few of my close friends on Twitter have already had a chance to review the information, and the feedback thus far has been very positive (though admittedly limited in its scope).

It is my deepest hope that in making this decision, by stepping fully into the light and speaking the truth about my life, my experiences, that perhaps I can assist a few other people who live with similar challenges. If I accomplish that, then it will have been worth it, no matter what anyone else says or thinks.

I plan to spend the weekend in quiet contemplation, as much as possible, though Saturday afternoon my spouse and I are going to see Lord Of the Dance for a matinee performance. I choose to see the performance as rather like a celebration - of many things, perhaps. But chiefly among them are my strength, my courage, and my willingness to admit that I am moving forward not because I feel no fear, but that I am moving forward in spite of it.

Blessings to each and every one of you.

Jo

Transcendence - so much more than sheer Survival!

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

In honor of the many people who are not just survivors, but whose lives are filled with purpose, laughter, questions, tears and determination - in other words, a mixed bag of real, genuine emotions that real, genuine people are "supposed" to have...


I have created a social network, entitled "Transcendent Survivors," which can be reached by clicking http://transcendentsurvivors.ning.com/, or by clicking on the black "badge" box you'll see to your right, with a purple and black butterfly. 

My hope is that we can co-create a community of survivors who share ideas on how to live beyond that which which we have survived, and become Transcendent to include its deepest meaning. 

Wishing everyone a week filled with moments of joy and insight.

Love and hugs,

Jo

Courage

WARNING: This blog is written by an adult survivor of severe childhood abuse. While specific graphic details are not offered, it is entirely possible that this material may be uncomfortable for some readers. If you have any doubt as to whether this may “trigger” you or make you feel unsafe in any way, please STOP reading and click elsewhere. If, while reading this or at any other time, you find yourself feeling unsafe or contemplating hurting yourself, please IMMEDIATELY contact a crisis line or mental health professional. Please – be safe, and be well.

If you or anyone you know is having a crisis and feeling alone or potentially unsafe, please consider using one of these resources. You'll notice there are organizations around the globe, including LGBT-targeted groups like PFLAG, and groups for survivors of different kinds of violence.

Here's a link to a list of resources.

Please know that I care, and many people in your life care. It's a sign of true strength to reach out if you're hurting; people want to offer their support. You are NOT alone.


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"The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned." - Maya Angelou


There is a pervasive myth that children who endured horrific abuse - be it sexual, physical, verbal, emotional, or some combination thereof - inevitably grow up to continue the cycle of abuse by victimizing children once they become old enough to do so.

While there certainly are many individuals who meet these criteria, many other survivors (more than half, I would say, based on years of conversations with other survivors) go on to lead lives in which they use their heightened sensitivity to develop and demonstrate compassion to their friends and family, and to the world at large.

I have found the courage to say "This is what happened to me, and yes, it's more horrible than you can even imagine." Having said that, I refuse to own the shame - it belongs with those that committed the atrocities.

While I do the incredibly hard work of dealing with the newly-recovered memories and flashbacks, I will bend but not break. Even on my toughest days, you'll still find me laughing heartily (and genuinely) at life in general, and often at myself.

I had a powerful dream the other night, one in which I was walking through a military hospital ward. The men and women who serve this country serve with honor and distinction. If they're fortunate enough to come back from overseas, they are changed forever - often physically; always emotionally and spiritually. Their sacrifices and bravery are worthy of deep respect. Although I will never wear a military uniform, I can aspire to such courage as they demonstrate.

I am speaking my truth, and refusing to back down, though this work is the scariest thing I've ever done. But if in so doing I will have helped even ONE person - especially a child who doesn't know where to turn - my courage will have been well worth it, and I'll gladly shed all the tears again.