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Sunday, January 17, 2010

"Weird" Can Always Get Weirder!

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WARNING: This blog is written by an adult survivor of severe childhood abuse. While specific graphic details are not offered, it is entirely possible that this material may be uncomfortable for some readers. If you have any doubt as to whether this may “trigger” you or make you feel unsafe in any way, please STOP reading and click elsewhere. If, while reading this or at any other time, you find yourself feeling unsafe or contemplating hurting yourself, please IMMEDIATELY contact a crisis line or mental health professional. Please – be safe, and be well.

If you or anyone you know is having a crisis and feeling alone or potentially unsafe, please consider using one of these resources. You'll notice there are organizations around the globe, including LGBT-targeted groups like PFLAG, and groups for survivors of different kinds of violence.

Here's a link to a list of resources.

Please know that I care, and many people in your life care. It's a sign of true strength to reach out if you're hurting; people want to offer their support. You are NOT alone.


Life continues to be interesting. Somehow, the emotional minefield that is the Holidays came and went with relatively few glitches, other than stressing over whether packages mailed or ordered would arrive on time. Missing the (biological) kids horribly, and pained deeply by my son's refusal to even acknowledge the email and accompanying $50 Amazon gift card I sent him. Ah well, such is youth. I think of where I was when I was nearing 20, and I cringe. So, more power to him, I guess.

My daughter continues to be a source of wonder. She's blossomed into such a beautiful, deeply insightful and wonderfully feisty woman, it just leaves me wanting for words sometimes - a feat rarely accomplished, as many of you may sense. Yeah, I know, I never shut up - especially on Twitter... LOL

It is deeply gratifying to know that my children grew up without alcoholism and ongoing physical violence, like I endured on nearly a daily basis. Still, it pains me deeply to know how profoundly they have been affected by my past. I would give anything to wipe it all away for them - but I know I can't. It's my cross to bear, something for which I'll probably never forgive myself.

Much healing work has been done since I was diagnosed in 1992, and that's a good thing. The bad news is that it's finally safe enough for the really, really icky stuff to surface. Up until the last couple of years, I would have said with some conviction that I'd already gained knowledge of the worst that had happened. Well, don't ever ask the universe, "Can it get any worse?" Because, undoubtedly, the answer is yes. It certainly seems to be the case in my current situation.

For those who are interested in more details, you can find them below:

Dragonheart's Multiple Insights: Phasmatis intus Tribus (Ghost Within the Tribe)