Compassion and Acceptance

My last post on Raised by Rabid Wolves was May 5th, six days before my mother died. In the aftermath of her passing, I have been grieving with all my heart and soul. I grieved for losing her presence in my life, and I had a renewed sense of grief for the horrors I suffered at her hands. The pain was almost beyond words.

I know that the grieving process will probably resemble a roller coaster ride - ups and downs, and never knowing what's around the next turn. Still, I've gotten to a place where I accept Mom's death. I am grateful that she is no longer in agonizing pain. Despite her words and deeds, I wouldn't wish that kind of suffering on her, nor anyone else for that matter.

My mother's last request was that I ~not~ come see her - she literally begged me not to come. For a time, I was caught up in feelings of rejection and abandonment. But ultimately, I honored my mother's wishes.

Through the kind actions of a nurse at the hospital where mom lay dying, I was able to speak to her mere hours before her death. The nurse held the phone up to my mother's ear...  I told Mom that I loved her, that I forgave her, and I understood if it was her time to go.  The nurse reported that Mom reacted - she briefly opened her eyes, and her eyebrows went up.  I could hear Mom making sounds; she was no longer capable of speech.

I am grateful that I was able to speak and act with compassion and acceptance regarding my mother's death. Some of my friends wonder how I could possibly forgive my mom and offer compassion, after all she said and did. I feel strongly that acting with compassion is a big part of "walking my talk." And compassion sends ripples into the cosmos, bouncing back to you in infinitely varied ways.

The acceptance part was admittedly harder. The selfish part of me wanted her to stay here, so I could have some more time with her, and so I could get answers to questions she'd been dodging for years. The better part of me, the wellspring of compassion within me, accepted that it was Mom's time to go.

Acceptance following her death has been up and down, but it's beginning to even out. I cannot change the fact that Mom ignored years of symptoms that led her to Peritoneal Cancer, Stage IV. I cannot change who my mother was, her abundant fear. I cannot change the fact that I'll never get the answers I wanted - I'll make do with the information I ~do~ have.

It has been said that lack of Acceptance is the root of human suffering. As the saying goes, "It is what it is." When we accept circumstances, and we stop insisting that things be different right NOW, we begin the journey toward healing. Acceptance does not mean condoning behavior or actions, nor does it mean refusing to work constructively for change.

I am learning anew the power of Compassion and Acceptance. If I can maintain a sense of both, at least most of the time, my journey is much easier. Resistance makes the ride rougher, like flying through turbulence on a plane. I am letting go as much as I'm able.

Perhaps there's a situation in your life that would benefit from an infusion of Compassion and Acceptance. What would it look like if you accepted things as they are at this moment, and move forward compassionately from that point? I beg you to consider acting with compassion towards yourself, because it ripples outward in your actions toward others. Besides, everyone deserves compassion - and that includes you.

_/|\_ Namasté