WARNING: This blog is written by an adult survivor of severe childhood abuse. While specific graphic details are not offered, it is entirely possible that this material may be uncomfortable for some readers. If you have any doubt as to whether this may “trigger” you or make you feel unsafe in any way, please STOP reading and click elsewhere. If, while reading this or at any other time, you find yourself feeling unsafe or contemplating hurting yourself, please IMMEDIATELY contact a crisis line or mental health professional. Please – be safe, and be well.
If you or anyone you know is having a crisis and feeling alone or potentially unsafe, please consider using one of these resources. You'll notice there are organizations around the globe, including LGBT-targeted groups like PFLAG, and groups for survivors of different kinds of violence.
Here's a link to a list of resources.
Please know that I care, and many people in your life care. It's a sign of true strength to reach out if you're hurting; people want to offer their support. You are NOT alone.
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As I've been dealing with memories long held in the deep recesses of my mind, it's been all too easy to focus on how painful this process is, and not stop to think about how thankful I should be. The very challenges with which I'm dealing (repressed memories, Dissociative Identity Disorder and all it entails) are also the very things that allowed me to make it out of my childhood alive. Without them, I doubt very much that I would have survived. And, if I had survived, I doubt very much that I would have any significant degree of functioning in daily life.
I am learning once again to make peace with the pieces of my puzzle. Each exists for a reason, even if at present I don't recognize what that reason is. Each survivor has their own unique method of coping with the horrors; mine are extreme, in response to extreme circumstances. To expect anything less would be unreasonable.
There is much churning within me, and I sense there will soon be a new blog posting on Multiple Insights; perhaps more than one posting, as there are many voices. But I want to post here as well, and "own" my process. It's not easy to be thankful for the complex (and sometimes very frustrating) system that evolved in response to horrific circumstances - but it is vital that I give recognition and thanks.
By any reasonable standard, I really should never have survived to adulthood. As an infant, I had the Mumps, Measles, and Chicken Pox, all in the first year of life. Ear infections soon thereafter, and assorted other trials. As soon as I learned to walk, I began sleepwalking (all the way out the front door and toward the highway, according to my mother). That says much about my desire to escape the abuse that began so early in life, that I truly cannot determine the point of its genesis. Within my dissociative structure, the alters include little ones, include a pre-verbal child, so obviously something was quite wrong from an early age.
For the moment, however, I am trying to focus on the positive aspects of my situation. And in so doing, I've had a powerful epiphany. I have begun accounting for the enormous amount of energy that is expended in keeping the memories, knowingness and pain at bay. I realize that as I heal these deepest wounds, these most horrific secrets, the energy will be freed to be used in other, more constructive ways.
On Twitter, I posted this recently: "I am Becoming... I am gestating the full, true Spirit within me - I have seen it, and I weep at its beauty." The depth of truth in this statement is beyond words. Especially as I shed the layers of detritus and unwanted baggage, I am awestruck by the wonders of which I will be capable...
Wishing everyone peace for the holidays and beyond! Jo (et al)
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